


Her monochrome world

by Queen_Azshara



Category: Apex Legends (Video Games)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, F/M, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mild Fluff, Revenant Being Revenant (Apex Legends), Self Harm, Self-Hatred, Self-Insert, Soft Revenant (Apex Legends), Suicide Attempt, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-13
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-13 18:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,275
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29406156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Azshara/pseuds/Queen_Azshara
Summary: Y/N tries to kill herself when a certain Simulacrum saves her.
Relationships: Revenant (Apex Legends)/You
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	Her monochrome world

Creeping out of my room and to the top of the ship wasn't the easiest thing ever. Mirage found me on the way up and I had to lie about what I was doing. I know this'll probably crush him, but he'll get over it. Its only a matter of time before he gets annoyed by me just like everyone else has in the past. With a huff I push the metal door open, the cool air was welcoming and calm. Shutting the door behind me goosebumps formed on my skin as a breeze of cold air blew past, almost throwing me off balance.

I gaze up towards the night sky, You could almost see Talos from here... home. Past memories flood my mind as I pull the kitchen knife from my pocket and look at it. Do I really want this? Yes, but they want it even more. Tears fill my eyes as I bring the knife closer and closer of my wrist, the cold metal sending a bolt of ice down my spine. Pressing harder I slice it into my wrist. The blood dripped onto my white nightdress as I kept cutting. Going slightly deeper with each one. 

I remember when Ajay brought me up hear to talk and reflect, my death may cause her pain, but she'll get over it fast. They always have. There's no point in fighting when I already know how its gonna end, with everyone hating or forgetting me like always... at this point I don't care. I switch arms and cut my right one now, cutting used to help but now nothing does. Only the thought of death.   
Once I started to get light headed is when I decided to stop. If the fall doesn't kill me the blood loss will eventually... 

*tap*   
I perked up, drawing my attention towards the source of the sound. I got chills as my eyes landed on a pair of golden glowing eyes.

"H-hello?" I ask into the cool air as I try to find the spy. My gaze stopped at a pair of yellow glowing eyes. Revenant. Of course he had to catch me right now.

"Weeping about your pathetic life? How sad." Revenant cut his eyes in my direction. Pressing my bleeding arms to my sides, I had to suppress a groan of pain. Luckily I don't think he noticed. I really don't want to explain to him why I'm bleeding. 

"Don't you have anything better to do then pester me?" I roll my eyes at the simulacrum, he took a threating step forward but I stood my ground. 

"Aren't you suppose to be somewhere else? Like I don't know... not here?" I smirk at him. Revenant lunges forward and grips my neck, lifting me off the cold floor. Trying to breath was probably a bad idea since he just enjoyed it more. His claw like fingers started to pierce the soft skin of my neck, but not to the point of drawing blood. 

"You should watch your mouth girlie, before something bad happens." He growled and dropped me to the ground with a thud. Gasping I try to inhale as much air as possible. My throat was getting sore as I inhaled as much of the cold air as humanly possible. He lets out one more scoff and starts to walk off but I grab his arm. 

"What?" H snapped at me, making me flinch in fear.

"D-don't leave m-me alone..." I whisper, tears filling my eyes and spilling. Quickly I realized what I just did and let go in embarrassment and shock. 

"S-sorry, ignore me..." I turn away from him and walked to the ledge. Pulling the knife out one final time, I slice my palm open pretty deeply as one final mark of my pathetic life.

I look down the ledge and dangle one foot off. 

I'm scared. 

But this needs to end here. The dark canon was welcoming, trying to pull me in for an eternal embrace. One final breath.

"No one needs me here..." 

I take the final step, but before I could fall someone grabbed my biceps and pulled me back up.

"What the fuck are you doing Y/N?" Revenant turns me around to face him. I drop the knife in shock and it collides with the ground, silencing the both of us. The only sound being the wind and my pounding heart in my ear. Revenant's gaze met the knife, then back at me. His eyes traced to the blood stains on my night dress, then to my eyes. I-I can't look at him...   
"Did you hurt yourself?!'' Revenant shouted at me, I let out a choked sob in fear. His eyes darted down to my arms and wrists.  
"What the hell is wrong with you!" He yelled, fear and regret filled my chest as the weight of the entire situation finally came crashing down.

My eyes widened and I just looked away. Oh my god... What did... What did I do? I almost... an-and in front of Revenant...

He growled and pulled me away from the edge. Trying to escape his grasp seemed futile but that didn't stop me from trying. With each tug his hold on me tightened.   
"N-no let me go!" I struggle, but he just ignored me. 

Revenant pulled me back down to the dropship's lobby. I stopped struggling, the blood loss making me tired. Where is he taking me? He better not be taking me to Ajay, she doesn't need to see me like this. I've already caused her enough trouble. Fear filled my chest as we approached the med bay, no!

''N-no!'' I yanked myself from his grip, he turned around to face me with confusion.   
''What? I'm trying to help you.'' Revenant crossed his arms, I backed away from the door and Revenant huffed in annoyance. 

''Why don't you want lifeline to help you?" He asked, leaning on the wall.   
"...She doesn't need to know about... this.'' I brush away a tear but they just kept coming. Revenant rolled his eyes again.   
"I can fix it myself. I'm fine."   
"No, you idiot. You left a trail of blood behind you and you're on the verge of passing out. So, no you can't." 

I glanced behind me, there was a trail if blood. He was right, sadly. But I'm still not going to lifeline. Plus she's probably sleeping.

"I-I have some bandages in my room, I'll just fix myself up." I turn to go to my room, but I couldn't even take two steps when I got light headed. Groaning I fall to my knees, trying to make the spinning stop. God damnit. 

"See? You can't do this on your own Y/N. Your either gonna pass out before you get there or you'll finish yourself off." Revenant crouched down to my level and lifted my chin up roughly.   
"Stop fighting me Y/N." Revenant reached under my legs and my back before picking me up bridal style, the sudden movements making me feel ill as try to calm myself down.

Revenant made his way to my bedroom, his metal body was surprisingly warm even though we were just outside a couple minuets ago. Unintentionally I relax into his hold despite him being made out of metal. He looked at me for a moment before paying attention to where we were going. He stood in front of my bedrooms door as I reached over and turned the knob and the door swung open.

"The bandages are in the nightstand drawer...'' I mumble, he reaches over and opens it. Revenant grabbed a few bandages, a couple cloths, and rubbing alcohol with cotton balls.   
"Why do you have all of this stuff?" Revenant asked as he laid it all out on the bed and sat in front of me. 

"For this exact reason." I answer, all he could do was sigh. He picked up one of the cloths and pressed it into my bleeding palm. Hissing through my teeth I twitched under the pressure. To distract myself I glanced at him, he was looking at... my thighs??? I follow his gaze and my heart dropped once I realized that my old scars were completely visible. 

"What are you looking at?" I ask, pretending to not know in hopes he'll stop and not say anything. Revenant looked up at me, "How long have you been doing this Y/N?"   
"U-uh... 4 years...? I-I think." I look down, disappointed in myself. He was silent. I couldn't blame him, its a lot to process.   
The weirdness of the situation never went away. God kill me now...   
But why did he stop me? I know he hates me, he's said so in the dropship and in the ring countless times but I never thought anything of it. He hates everyone, but why did he save me? I don't get it

I guess I was in thought for so long that the bleeding on my palm stopped and Revenant, without a warning cleaned the wound. The burning brought tears to my eyes as I cussed under my breath and dug my nails into my skin with my other hand. Revenants grip on my hand tightened in reassurance. Once the burning subsided I was able to relax a bit and he started to wrap the wound carefully.   
Next was my wrist, he grabbed a new cloth and pressed it to my bleeding cuts. Some of them are gonna take a while to stop since they're so deep... 

"Why?" I ask quietly, Revenant looked up at me in confusion. So I rephrased my question.  
"Why are you helping me? Why wouldn't you let me die?" I ask as tears fall past my waterline. He sat there in thought for a moment. Each second my anxiety got worse in anticipation of his answer.

"If I don't get to die then neither do you." Was his answer. You have got to be fucking joking right now you motherfucker.

"B-but I don't w-wanna live anymore! I just want to die!" I yell, getting hysterical. 

"Y/N." 

"E-everyone has a-always left me! There's noting left for me here! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME DIE!?" I yell in emotional agony. Yanking myself from his grip I grab the blood coated knife that I hid behind my lamp and drag it vertically down my thigh. Revenant let go of my wrist in shock and before he could take it away I sliced through my night dress and into my stomach. The pain was agonizing, but I don't regret it. Revenant ripped the knife from my hands and threw it at my wall, leaving a dent.

"WHAT THE HELL Y/N!" Revenant yelled at me, pressing his hands onto my thigh and stomach to stop the bleeding. Even from his stoic unmoving face I can tell I caused him distress.   
''What the fuck is wrong with you? Why did you do that?"   
"I-I don't k-know! I panicked! I'm so s-sorry!'' I cry, fighting under is hands to just let me bleed out, but he just pressed harder.   
"J-just let me die! Please... I don't want to be like this anymore!" I sob, he didn't move or say anything. I just kept crying and crying. I continued to struggle but it was proving to not work. eventually I just gave up. 

"You done?" Revenant asked, Tearfully I nod.

"Just lie back alright?" I follow his instructions and lied down onto my back. Revenant shifted position, his knees straddling my lower thighs as one of his hands clenched the wound on my thigh and the other on my stomach. I flinched at the intense pain in my body.

''Put pressure on your stomach.'' Revenant orders as he lifts he hand from the wound. I do as told and he grabs my bleeding wrist and pins it above my head. 

''You try this shit again and I'm taking you to Ajay.'' Revenant glares, I sniffle and nod. As the silent minuets pass I slowly calm down from my little fit. Revenant checked the bleeding and seen that it had stopped. He carefully got off of me and carefully pulled me up to a sitting position. My nightgown was completely fucked, and Revenant was gonna have to bandage my stomach so I might as well take it off. But I'll wait. 

I wrap my arms around my mid section as a chill racked my body. I just want this feeling to die. Once I noticed Revenant was just sitting there waiting I gave him my unbandaged wrist.

He started with my other wrist by disinfecting it, I gripped his hand in pain as the alcohol seeped into my shallow and deep wounds. He just waited for it to go away.

"I... I'm sorry. You didn't need to help me, a-and I caused you stress. So, I'm sorry Revenant that you had to deal with my bullshit." I start to cry, 

"..." Revenant didn't respond, just wrapped the bandage carefully against the fresh cuts.

"You must really like crying." Revenant states out of nowhere. He must have really not known what to say if that was his response.  
"What?"   
"You heard me."

''... Why did you hurt yourself?'' Revenant didn't look up at me as he asked.

''Because it feels like the only thing that I can control in my life... But today I did it incase the fall didn't kill me at least I'd die of blood loss.'' I answer as he finished the last bandage on my wrist. He didn't answer, not like I expected him to. 

Next was my thigh, 

"I think this needs stiches girlie.''   
'W-what?! No!" I argue, No. Damn. Way.  
''You did this to yourself Y/N, now you have to face the consequences.'' He poked my chest at 'you',

''Fine. But I don't want Ajay to have to deal with this...''   
''It's one in the morning, she's asleep.'' Revenant deadpanned, oh yeah... 

''We-well I guess lets go.'' I get up to stand but the lightheadedness made it impossible to stand, let alone walk.

''I can't stand.'' I huff, Revenant just rolled his eyes as he got up and picked me up like before. I clung to him as he took me to the empty med bay. Since he didn't have a free hand I had to open the door and he walked in too fast and made me hit my elbow on the door. A sharp pain shot up from my elbow to the tips of my fingers. 

"Ow! Motherfucker you couldn't have waited a second longer?!" I glare at the sim,  
"I will drop you on your ass." Revenant loosened his hold on me to the point of almost dropping me. Gasping I wrap my arms around his neck to stop myself from falling, but I also have cuts so I had to let to go and fall back into his waiting hold.

"You really didn't think that through." He stated,   
The room was dark but Revenant set me on a stretcher before turning the lights on. He looked around for a bit before he found a needle and thread, somehow. 

''I'll do it.'' I say with wavering confidence. Revenant took a moment to think before handing me the thread. Once I threaded the needle I painfully disinfect it and my wound. Revenant sat across from me, our knees touching.   
I look up at Revenant for reassurance, but he just shrugged. Taking a deep breath I shove the needle into my flesh. I bite my tongue in pain and continued to shove it through to the other side. I had to stop and take a breath, I reach over and grab Revenant's hand. 

"I can't..." I felt sick to my stomach, Revenant got up and started looking through a drawer for something. After a minute or so he came back over to me with a small glass bottle and a syringe. 

"What's that?" I ask, fear noticeable in my voice. 

"Lidocaine." A numbing drug? Clever. 

"Why the hell didn't we think of that before?" I groan, Revenant scoffs. 

"Bitch I'm not a doctor." Revenant sits back down,

"Bitch me neither!" I cross my arms playfully. He just looked at me and shook his head. Gazing at the bottle he just paused. 

"Something wrong?" I ask, he looks up for a second.

"I have no idea on how much to use." Revenant opened the syringe's package. 

"Uh, maybe like... 20 mL?'' I suggest, he shrugs and fills it up to the 20 mL mark. I take a deep breath as he injects it into my skin, it made me feel dizzy. God I hate needles... After a minute or so I feel the numbing effect taking place.

"C-can you do it? I already feel like fainting." I shy away a bit. 

"Whatever skinbag." Revenant throws the needle in the trash. 

He takes hold of the needle and pulls it the rest of the way through, all I felt was a weird tugging feeling. It looked really weird, seeing something pierce your skin over and over, but not feeling it at all. He kept going till he reached the end and he tied it off. Some gauze and medical tape and my thigh was all done. 

"Only one more to go..." I sigh. I grabbed the bottom of my night dress and pulled it up and over my head and toss it in the trash since its gone beyond repair.  
I could feel his eyes on me as I gazed at the ground. 

"U-uh why?" He asked, my gaze met his and I blushed.   
"Its sticky from the blood and it has a hole in it. I wanted it off." I answer, Revenant rolled his eyes. 

''Lie down.'' I do as told and revenant came up on top of me and straddled my hips, I didn't say a damn thing about it. He disinfected the wound and applied some gauze and taped it down. After a moment his hand traced my stomach gently, I'm not even sure he noticed that he even did it.

''What's wrong?'' I ask softly, carefully bringing his attention to me. Revenant didn't say anything, only looked back at my stomach. I leaned on my elbows to see what he was looking at.

Oh...

"My old self harm scars..." I whisper to myself, but he still heard. 

"Jesus Y/N..." He looked a little closer at the faded scars. 

''I know, its... bad.'' 

"Its still bad." Revenant corrects me, 

"I'm sorry... I didn't want to involve you in all of this..." Tears fill my eyes, 

"... Don't worry about it."   
That one made the waterworks start, Revenant gently shook his head and got off of me. Picking me up like before he took me out of the med bay and back to my room, and set me back on my bed. 

"Now, don't try that shit again." Revenant turned to leave the room but I reached out and stopped him. 

"W-wait! Don't leave me... please." Revenant paused where he stood, like he was contemplating. Then he used his other hand and ruffled my hair. 

"My idiotic little skinsuit..." His hand left my head and turned the light out before siting in bed with me. 

"Now go to sleep." He crossed his arms. I chuckle at his rude behavior and get under the covers. I turn to face him,

"Can you go to sleep?" I ask, Revenant turns to me. 

"Yeah?" He answers, I pat the bed. With a huff he got under the covers with me. 

"Try anything and I'll kill you." He glared, 

"Sure you will." I hummed,

**Author's Note:**

> Part 2? I'll do it, it'll just take a little while. 
> 
> BTW I posted this on wattpad too. 
> 
> My wattpad account: https://www.wattpad.com/user/Queen_Azshara
> 
> The story: https://www.wattpad.com/story/244464809-ao3-stories


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